Being a woman is no joke at times and sometimes that’s never more true than when it comes to contraceptive.
All of us women and some of you men are well aware of all the different types of contraceptive there are, and how none of the bloody things are fail safe (Sophie is proof of that).
But one of the long-term ones is the Mirena Coil, a fairly common contraceptive that lasts for 5 years once its in place.
However the journey to getting the Mirena Coil from prescription to completion is somewhat of a, I like to call an expedition.
Its simple at first really, you ring the gp tell them you want to get it done and get your prescription, this is where the fun starts!
You arrive into the chemist to collect your prescription, and down arrives the pharmacist with a beautifully wrapped two by four (see picture below) in said chemists paper bags.
He (yes of course it has to be a man) hands you the prescription with that look that says I don’t have a clue what you’re about to experience but my thoughts are with you, while you look at him and say “No Brian (that’s my actual pharmacists name), you have no idea”
All of his female colleagues meanwhile look at you as you walk past with your two by four and unknowingly clinch their legs and possibly make a sign of the cross.
You arrive up to the gp receptionist all the while trying to shove the two by four up your sleeve and check in.
You head into the waiting room and think to yourself what have I let myself in for, and really it’s not too late to back out and make himself get the snip, after all you did give birth to two babies, it’s surely his turn to feel some pain.
Meanwhile a mother arrives in with her four kids, one already bawling and two giving out why they even have to be there in the first place and you close your eyes and silently give thanks for the two by four in your sleeve and whisper gently to your womb “you are definitely closed for business”.
When the nurse calls you in to get you “prepped” for the gp, she goes through the consent form.
One of the first questions being, when did you last have sex.
You immediately think to yourself if himself was here he would say “four times last night”, but you know the truth and you have no problem telling it either.
Next is all the things that can go wrong, and you wonder are you about to sign your death warrant, but you quickly remember the mother in the waiting room and you nearly take the hand of the nurse trying to sign your name.
Now comes the fun bit, time to get the full monty on (well below the belt anyways, you can leave your socks on).
You will probably feel at this stage you should make some joke about your hairstyle down below or like me “It’s not bikini season yet so………”.
You sit yourself on the bed while the gp makes you move your legs in to a position that any yoga teacher would be proud of.
Then all of a sudden you think, have I been abducted by aliens, what in the hell are all those instruments for and mother of god I just remember the two by four, where is that going to go??
At this point you really have to say to yourself, take a breath dammit this will all be over in two minutes.
And then the GP says (this is not a lie), “I wish it would stop raining, I really need to mow the lawn”
Yes, then the procedure was all over and you continue to think for the rest of the day that the GP was saying that to hint that its never too early for bikini season.
*Ok so all jokes aside here is the link to the HSE site about the Mirena you may find useful.
**there are plenty of horror stories out there and some of which I’ve heard from close friends and family, this is my second coil and although my first one took a long time to settle i.e spot bleeding etc, for four out of the five years it was a dream, I’m hopeful this time will be the same.
***I can’t lie and say it isn’t uncomfortable, it really is. Personally I wouldn’t go as far as to say painful but I do know some people can find it quite sore. There will be a fair amount of bleeding and cramping afterwards so don’t be afraid and, you have to go back for the 6 week check to make sure it is still there etc (use other forms of contraceptive during this time)
If you have any questions don’t be afraid to ring your GP or Nurse that’s what they are there for.
****someday maybe ill get Denis to write something (when hell freezes over).