This is one of those blogs where I’m not sure how I feel about writing my feelings down.
Where I’m conflicted about whether I want to draw undue attention or criticism on myself, or even for that matter if I want to unravel the whole story as to why I’ve left Jesus in my rear view mirror!
However, I do feel that sharing your story or life online means that sometimes you need to share the hard bits aswell, after all life is certainly no fairytale.
So, here goes!
You see I was raised Catholic in Ireland, and what that meant for me was attending mass each and every Sunday, every church holiday, every church occasion i.e weddings, funerals, communions etc etc and so on and so forth.
I never, ever enjoyed going to mass, I don’t think many people do or did to be honest, but I was always uncomfortable with this notion of a man standing on an altar with 10’s of people chanting after him, it just never sat well with me.
However, this didn’t mean that I didn’t believe nor pray to God or Jesus or whoever I thought within the Catholic list of saints would listen to me.
I had a fascination with churches, loved them,loved the peace, the comfort and the architecture of them, to some extent I still do, and I don’t think that’s a contradiction but more so an appreciation of architecture.
I would wear religious medallions when I was pregnant with Noah, had prayers in my wallet and got blessed by monks on both pregnancies.
Noah’s christening when he was one
Sophie was christened, we got married in a church everything that you’re meant to do as a Catholic.
Yes! I was holy!
And then I had Noah.
And then I spent more time then I ever thought in children’s hospitals.
I saw the suffering of so many families, children and those around them.
And I got angry.
Really damn angry.
With this make believe person in the sky.
I realised that I had been conditioned all my life to believe that there was some superior being in the sky with super powers that he only used when he felt like it, and certainly not to ease the suffering of children and their families who were going through the unimaginable.
So I said goodbye to Jesus then, but it hasn’t been that easy.
I’ve struggled with the whole life after death and I still want to believe there’s a heaven, it’s hard to let good of the good points of Catholicism and then.
You see,my children were going and are going to a Catholic primary school, and that means that Catholic traditions such as communion and confirmation are opt out rather then opt in.
We got Sophie her communion, we got Noah christened one year after he was born much to my displeasure, which I didn’t express at the time.
We argued over Sophie getting her confirmation to which she adamantly refused to be left out of the celebration, and this was hard for me, and I’ll tell you why.
You see from what I’ve noticed the large majority of Catholic’s here in Ireland aren’t practicing,however when it comes to the Catholic traditions ie weddings, christenings etc etc for one day only we go all out.
And this year as Noah went into second class (the communion class) I finally said we have got to stop this ridiculousness.
Noah opted out of his communion and it was such a relief off my shoulders.
Yes, of course it’s hard to break tradition, and yes you might disappointment the die hard Catholic’s in the family, but at what stage do you become an adult with your own family with your own decisions?
Amazingly none of our family questioned it one bit,they get it!
The church has lost so much respect and credibility in the last number of years that I do envision in the near future it’ll be a opt in policy rather then an opt out one and personally I can’t wait for that.
My children even Sophie, now have the opportunity to choose their own path when it comes to religion.
If they want to be Catholic when they’re older then that’s fine, they can be whatever they want.
We’ve all got to choose our own paths in this life and as long as it’s a happy and good one then we’ve already won, just remember that!
All our love
Our Wheely Big Journey